I really do. But I can't. I literally cannot feel my body or my soul (for lack of better words. Maybe inner self would be more fitting).
I can feel another depressive episode approaching because the only thing I notice is an overwhelming feeling of worthlessness. Consider this the ramblings of an insane person, but I hope that writing it down for someone to see will make a difference. If not for me, then for you because you'll know that you don't want to be friends with me.
I'm still on the hunt for a psychologist who can fix me because I clearly am broken. This is not just my vivid imagination, the same one that leads me to write about broken characters that seem to be a lot like myself. I can feel that I'm not normal. I'm unable to confide myself in the closest persons like my best friend or my father. I can't. It's an inability that is hard to express because it's terrifying and disturbing. I really wish I could tell someone about the misery I sometimes feel inside of my mind but whenever I try, the words will not leave my mouth. The closest idea to it would be choking I think. My throat starts to feel blocked, I repeatedly swallow to get rid of the feeling, but it won't go away. And it leaves me unable to say what is haunting me. It isolates me from people that probably care more for me than I'll ever realize. I get angry and yell or snap at these people once I figure out I won't be able to tell them about my problems.
This has been going on for many, many years. I would assume it could be 17 years already, during which I have been carefully locking up every bad feeling inside of my mind. I have been building walls around these emotions, I stacked them away and hid them deep inside of myself in hopes that they would never come up again. This of course doesn't work. You can't hide an emotion away and expect it to just quietly vanish. Everything I kept in my mind eventually built up and is now a mountain of hurt that makes me feel like a train wreck. Just because my guiding words for as long as I can think are the worst ones you could ever choose: Trust no one.
All these bottled up emotions made me what I am today. A broken being. I have lost the connection to my inner self. I know when I feel bad, this is something I can actually feel. But if things are okay, then they're no more than this. Okay. If I don't feel bad, I could easily claim that I feel nothing. That isn't true of course, but I cannot feel these emotions. I cannot understand or relate to them, so I feel empty instead. And if I don't feel empty, then I feel worthless and not worthy of any appreciation, love, respect, luck. I feel like I'm not only ugly on the outside, but also ugly on the inside because I have no great personality or whatsoever to offer to people around me. I am not a helpful friend. I am not a fun person to hang out with. I have no outstanding qualities. I feel like I'm nothing, just a worthless, fat loser. Right now, I can almost see any reader rolling their eyes because this sounds so dramatic. The rational part of me knows very well that there has to be something good about me. There's something good about most human beings and I do not think that I belong amont the most wretched beings that everyone hates. This doesn't change the fact that I don't /feel/ the same way though.
While I'm typing this to relieve myself of some of the pain, I can also feel how my mind is somewhat slipping away. There was more that I wanted to write, to explain myself to someone, anyone willing to read through this, but I can't grasp it anymore. My mind has turned blank again. As I said, this is probably the looming threat of a new depressive episode, so I'll be unfortunate enough to retreat into my mind again soon enough. I'm not looking forward to it. I just wish that I could feel myself at a time when I don't feel so deeply unhappy that it makes me physically ill.
Listening to: Fear Factory - Byte Block